Batch o' Hatch: Doctor Strange, Breaking Beer, 4th of Jaws-ly, and Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights

Hey, friendos. I hope you’re having a good July! Let’s catch up over a new Batch.

News

Doctor Strange

Early last week, JoBlo (via Latino-Review and comicbookmovie.com) reported that Marvel may want Doctor Strange to serve as their new Iron Man franchise. I’m all for this. Doctor Stephen Strange makes for a compelling character. He’s got a great origin story (he’s a gifted but arrogant surgeon who breaks his hands and ends up learning magic as a way to heal himself) and the tone is a little different from Iron Man (or any Marvel film) so it will surely be fresh.

Wikipedia

Breaking Beer

Breaking Bad is coming to an end soon, and what better way to say goodbye than to drink some beer inspired by the show? This AV Club article points out that, unfortunately, folks outside of the Albuquerque area may not be able to get their hands on the Marble Brewery beer. But it would go so well with these blue meth cupcakes that I’m planning on making!

4th of Jaws-ly

What are your 4th of July plans? Ours involve the beach but Jaws on the big screen is also on the agenda. Yes, Sun-Ray Cinema, everyone’s favorite indie theater, is showing the flick this Thursday, complete with a slice of apple pie. Because if there’s anything more American than Roy Scheider 'sploding a great white shark, it’s apple pie.

Sun-Ray's Facebook

Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights

Nick brought to my attention that Universal Studios Orlando is using The Cabin in the Woods as their source of horror for Halloween Horror Nights this year. I wanna go!

Cabin turned out to be one of the most original horror movies in recent memory, so this year’s HHN should be awesome. Fingers crossed for a merman.

Wikipedia

Trailers

The Conjuring - via JoBlo

Another trailer for The Conjuring? Sure. This one’s even creepier than the last few because it really sells the fact that the film is based on a true story. I honestly kind of forgot that this was coming out this month, so I’m pretty stoked.



Escape Plan - via JoBlo

This trailer paints the movie as a solid action flick. It looks like it has a little more brains than the films Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger have been in lately. Why couldn’t Arnie and Sly have made this 20 years ago, though?



And how did 50 Cent get in this? This thing is being released in the theaters, right?

Tweets

LOTTA great tweets for this Batch.

Shyamalan says he's "getting close" to making an Unbreakable sequel. Say what you will about his last few films, but I'd see that.
— Alex Withrow (@shiftingPersona) May 30, 2013

At this point, this is probably the only Shyamalan film I would ever go to the theater for.

Maybe Predator was just angry and violent because he couldn't see well.
— Hummingbird Heart ♥ (@Tiff0728) June 1, 2013

Good point!

To anyone trying to sell your TV: when someone comes to buy it, put the Blu-Ray of DRIVE on. They can't not buy it.
— Alex Withrow (@shiftingPersona) June 4, 2013

I'll have to keep this in mind!

I miss Quantum Leap
— Candice Frederick (@ReelTalker) June 8, 2013

Me too!

WORK SHED
— Lucy (@bmovielass) June 14, 2013

Evil Dead tweet. Groovy.

Summertime...more like CHUM-mertime, am I right people?? pic.twitter.com/AzPSilOAKN
— Hummingbird Heart ♥ (@Tiff0728) June 14, 2013

♫CHUM-mer, CHUM-mer, CHUM-mer tiiiiime!!!♫

Man of Stealing My Time and Money
— Hummingbird Heart ♥ (@Tiff0728) June 15, 2013

Exactly.

Argo fuck yourself. NOW I GET IT.
— George Bell (@CallMeSirPhobos) June 16, 2013

OHHHHH.

Get ready.  In July: it's the 2nd Annual TAG Network Crossover.   6 shows. 13 Podcasters. 1 giant event!  #Podcast http://t.co/QUhk8a7jky
— TAG Network  (@TAGNetwork) June 18, 2013

Fantastic image. Get excited for the @TAGNetwork crossover later this summer. Stay tuned to theatomicgeeks.com!

@zerbert Alcohol poisoning is in your future
— Ron  (@evildeadron) June 22, 2013

I survived!

For the past few days I've been misreading that "Paula Deen: Fired" headline as "Paula Deen: Fried" (which would be a fitting end actually).
— CT (from Nerd Lunch) (@nerdlunch) June 25, 2013

Indeed.

Batch o’ Hatch: I Wanna be Last Action Hero’d, The Cabin in the Woods on Friday the 13th, and Our Atlanta Trip

I Wanna be Last Action Hero’d

Remember Last Action Hero?

While sludging through work this morning a random thought popped into my head. I was a little stressed and tired and, worst of all, it was a Wednesday before 5:00 p.m. So I decided that I needed to pull a Last Action Hero. Yes, being magically whisked into one of my favorite films would definitely do the trick and get me through the mid-week slump.

And then I realized that this would be a great thing to discuss here. So, if you had a magic ticket that would allow you to pass through into any movie, which one would you choose?

Keep in mind, you wouldn’t be entering into your favorite movie’s universe as a new or existing character. You’d just be yourself, in whatever flick you chose. You’d probably just suddenly pop into existence right next to the film’s characters, just like Danny did in LAH. You’d have a lot of explaining to do.

Also, there’d be that awkward discussion where you’d have to explain to a fictional character that they’re not real.

Knowing all this, I’d probably enter Star Wars since I’m not really that big of a fan and wouldn’t mind letting any of the film’s characters know that they’re just figments of George Lucas’ imagination. Plus, it would be pretty kick ass to fly the Millennium Falcon.

Now that I've turned a simple question into something needlessly complicated, let me know what movie you’d LAH into.

The Cabin in the Woods on Friday the 13th

Not only is this coming Friday of the 13th variety, The Cabin in the Woods is finally coming out. I get to watch multiple films about creepy cabins? Is it my birthday?

Wikipedia

Here’s to fun Friday the 13th screenings! Check out one The Cinefamily in LA is holding over at this here CHUD article.

Our Atlanta Trip

Pat briefly discussed our trip up Atlantee way this past weekend to see Delta Spirit but I wanted to throw my two cents in - I had as much fun as is legally allowable. Allow me to share two of my favorite photos from the trip:

Showed up to the concert venue to discover it's also hosting Atlanta's upcoming Lebowski Fest!

One night we went to Target. All I bought was this pinata. Turns out it wasn't house broken (it released its chocolate filling on our luggage on the trip back) so I threw it away.

So that's it for this installment of Batch o' Hatch. Don't forget to tell me what film you'd like to visit!

One last thing - I tweeted this earlier but here’s an awesome photo from Moonrise Kingdom that I came across today:

Cinema Blend

Escape by Walking Through Plate Glass: Chopping Mall

Chopping Mall, a flick Netflix suggested to me, resides in the glorious subgenre of shopping mall horror, along with Dawn of the Dead, Dawn of the Dead (2004), and Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Released in 1986, the film follows a group of horny teens trying to escape from a mall’s robot-security-force-gone-haywire.

The group, which includes innocent girl Alison and nerdy Ferdy (the poor man’s Rick Moranis), stayed in their local mall after hours to party and get laid. Unfortunately, the mall’s advanced security system – three armed and dangerous robots – has gone murderously haywire, thanks to a freak lightning storm. It isn’t long before the robots are cruising through the mall, picking the teens off one-by-one.

The film is ridiculous for many reasons. For example, once the teens realize they’re stuck in the mall (all of the high-tech doors are programmed to lock down after hours) and being chased by the robots, they spend a lot of time setting up explosive traps for their attackers. Why not use all the explosives you found to just bomb your way out of the mall?

The shopping mall looked familiar, specifically, it looked like the mall that Arnold Schwarzenegger briefly tears up in Commando. And indeed it is – Sherman Oaks Galleria in Los Angeles. Which leads me to ask – what the hell kind of stores existed back in the ‘80s? If you watch the film, you’ll notice all kinds of shops with odd names, such as “House of Almonds” and “Ch-baker.” Although a store that the fellas arm themselves in is called “Peckinpah’s” which is obviously just a nod to the filmmaker, so maybe a lot of the shops were just made up.

The robots – “Killbots” as they’re known by the filmmakers (Killbots was also the original title of the film, apparently) – while not as poorly designed as you’d think, are still pretty bad. They sort of resemble a mix of Johnny 5 and the Cylons from Battlestar Gallactica. They scurry about the mall on their treadmills, shooting the teenagers with all sorts of lasers (although one type basically looks like ectoplasm rather than a laser blast) and robotically droning “Thank you, and have a nice day,” after they’ve killed a victim.


What’s odd about the film is that the acting isn’t that bad. Alison is played by Kelli Maroney, a girl you might recognize from Night of the Comet, another cheesy ‘80s horror film. Nick pointed out that Alison eerily resembles a daughter of Marcy D'Arcy. A lot of the characters die in nasty ways – Leslie (Suzee Slater), the obligatory party girl of the group, gets her head blown off by one of the lasers. You’d think I’d include that video here, but that’d be too easy. Instead, feast your eyes on one of the goofier kills, when Rick (Russell Todd) valiantly plows into one of the robots with some type of mall cart. “Damn the torpedoes – ramming speed!”

One last notable aspect of the film is that it features more scenes of people (and robots) crashing through plate glass than I’d ever seen in my life. The robots crash through glass trying to get the teens, the teens crash through more glass to get away, etc. The title of this post comes from a scene at the end, when Alison just straight up covers her head with her arms and rams through a paint store’s glass wall  (ignore the commentary, although whoever made it sounds like they were having a good time). 

It’s like the filmmakers got tired of coming up with ways for people to break through glass and said “Fuck it, just have Kelly walk through it.”

So in conclusion, I award the film neither a good rating (open hatch) nor bad rating (closed hatch) because, while it may be really bad, it’s The Room bad. Also, I haven’t made a picture for a closed hatch rating. I’ll get to it.

Arnold Schwarzenegger vs. Animals!

Some movie characters hate animals. For example, Indiana Jones hates snakes, which makes sense, due to some traumatic encounters with them throughout his adventures.  Similarly, most of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s characters hate every animal, ever. I started to notice this more and more, so I decided to compile a guide to all of Arnold’s animal battles before PETA does.

Let’s look at one of Arnold’s earliest movies, Conan the Barbarian. Released in 1982, the film tells the story of Conan, a young warrior out for vengeance. I could probably write an essay simply about Conan the Barbarian and his encounters with and relationship to animals. His dad warns him that he can’t trust beasts (among other things). His dad is later killed by attack dogs, go figure. Conan’s a slave and gladiator throughout his entire childhood and formative years, and when he’s finally freed, wolves (or maybe stray dogs) chase after him. Conan, hiding from the wolves in a cave, discovers a sword, which seemingly gives him the courage to leave the cave, despite the wolves.

Later in the film, Arnold, as Conan, is high and stumbling around a village with his buddy, when he comes across a camel that was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Shit gets real when Arnold punches the camel in the face. This is kind of where the animal violence in Arnold’s career really takes off.

Later still, Conan is tied up and left to die by the villainous Thulsa Doom, who was responsible for the death of his father and personally killed his mother. A vulture spots Conan and decides it wants a little Snackanegger. The warrior isn’t quite dead yet, though, and when the vulture strikes, Conan straight up bites a chunk out of its throat.

Later, in 1984’s Conan the Destroyer, Conan again comes across a camel, and this one spits in his face! This enrages Conan and he has to show the camel who’s boss by bashing it over the head. The funny part here is that, Conan’s companion Malak, who wasn’t even in the first film, brings the camel to Conan’s attention. “Doesn’t that animal look familiar?” he asks. Now bear with me - this means that Conan either a) told Malak about the time that he punched a camel in the face and Malak just constantly assumes that every  random camel is the one from Conan’s story or, more believably, b) before Destroyer, Conan punched the same camel a different time with Malak as a witness. And if this is the same camel from the first film, it means that Conan punches the same camel in the face at least three separate times. Although plans for Conan the Camel Puncher didn’t pan out, a reboot featuring Game of Thrones’ Jason Momoa as Conan will hit theaters later this year. Will Momoa’s Conan carry on the camel punching tradition?

Let’s leave Conan and fast forward to a film known as True Lies (1994). Arnold plays a spy named Harry Tasker, hiding his job from wife Jamie Lee Curtis. Tasker is fleeing from some bad guys early in the film when said bad guys release the hounds. Bad news for the hounds! Agent Tasker makes quick work of the canines by bashing them together.

True Lies features one of the few times Arnold teams up with a horse. The terrorist he was chasing rides his motorcycle off of a building and into a pool to escape (good plan!), but when Agent Tasker tries to ride a police horse that he stole off that same building (better plan!), the horse chickens out. Agent Tasker berates and lectures the horse on proper police work afterwards, so order is restored.

In a film called Eraser (1996), Arnold is U.S. Marshall John Kruger, who helps his clients “erase” their identities when the shit hits the fan and they need new ones (identities, not fans). Kruger has to rescue his client at their secret meeting spot, which is a zoo. Our hero obviously picked this spot because he was hoping to abuse some animals if the opportunity ever presented itself. Bingo. Alligators get loose and Kruger kicks one in the face and then shoots it.

Arnold does have one true blue animal friend – his pet ferret in Kindergarten Cop (1990). In the film, Arnold, as DETECTIVE JOHN KIMBLE!!! is undercover at an elementary school as part of a case. At the end of the film, when the bad guy is holding his own young son hostage (it’s also the son of Kimble’s love interest – the bad guy’s thinking here was wrong on so many levels), Kimble’s ferret buddy, who had been cleverly hiding in the kid’s clothes the whole time, bites the bad guy on the hand, distracting him long enough for Kimble to strike. Thanks to his ferret friend, Kimble saves the day and the movie concludes with a happy ending.

But Arnold’s animal bloodlust goes on and on. In Predator (1987), Arnold, as military unit leader Dutch, kills the titular alien, which is sort of an animal (and Mac, a sergeant under Dutch’s command, seemingly hating animals almost as much as Dutch, kills a scorpion and a wild boar). In Jingle All The Way (1996), everyone’s favorite Arnold film, The Austrian Oak punches a reindeer in the face (not quite a camel but it’ll do) during his quest to get his son the hottest Christmas toy of the season.

Arnold’s hit a rough patch recently – since completing his reign as Governor of California, he decided to start making some movies again, anxious to fight some more animals. But when word dropped that he fathered a love child with his maid, Arnold put all of his film projects on hold. Hopefully he’ll recover soon so we can watch him ride off in to the sunset on another stolen police horse, his ferret buddy hiding in his clothes, daydreaming of all the animals and villains they’ll fight together.