Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Behind the Toilet: The ABCs of Death

A large crowd is gathered in a dank warehouse. A few whisper to each other but most sit silently. Many stare blankly at their smart phones. A man in a bright red suit stands up.

Producer: Thank you all for meeting us here. We’re very excited about the prospect of The ABCs of Death. It was difficult to find 26 directors that would go with us on this wild ride, but we’re confident that you’re the ones. I trust that my associate filled you in on everything?

Andrew Traucki: We were told that we’d be participating in an anthology film filled with ridiculous, baffling stories disguised as a horror movie.

Producer: That’s right - no horror films. Just come up with the most pointless, juvenile, disgusting shit you can think of. That’s what we want.

Banjong Pisanthanakun: But why? What’s the point?

Producer: It doesn’t matter. I’m sure everyone will just assume its edgy and different.

Noboru Iguchi: I was assigned the letter “F”. Can I make my short film about farting? Just literally, the whole fucking thing would be about farts? I’ll even just fucking call it “F is for Fart”?

Producer: That’s perfect! That’s the kind of shit we’re looking for. That leads me to my next question. Would anyone be interested in incorporating toilets into their short films?

Like, literally six directors anxiously raise their hands.

Ti West: I’ve been looking for a way to incorporate more toilets into my films and I think I’ve got some really good ideas.

Anders Morgenthaler (smiling and rubbing his hands together): I’ve got something I think you’ll love!

Gareth Edwards: Who’s gonna edit this thing?

Everyone falls silent.

Gareth Edwards: I mean, isn’t there an inherent problem with 26 directors all having complete control over their own micro-films? Think about it - the story that represents “A” - which is being made by a director with complete creative control - will have to be followed immediately by the story that represents “B” - also made by a director with complete creative control. We’ll have no power over how one story feels placed next to another story. Also, what’s with half of the other directors wanting to make short films about toilets? What the fuck is this shit?

Producer: Get that guy out of here! Security!

Gareth Edwards is escorted from the meeting and moves on to bigger and better things.

Producer: Now, last question: Would any of you like to direct a short where a hideous anthropomorphic bulldog fights a hideous anthropomorphic Nazi fox stripper? It’ll just be cartoonish and all over the place. I mean really, any semblance of self-respect or coherence...just leave that shit at the door.

Thomas Malling: Where do I sign up?

Everyone laughs and, somewhere, the spirit of horror cinema dies just a little.


  1. I liked it more than you did, but...if the pitch meeting really did go down like this, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

    1. Lackey - There were some shorts that weren't half bad. It just feels like some directors tried and some didn't. However the pitch meeting went I'm sure it was all kinds of awkward and strange. Thanks for reading/commenting!

  2. This is some funny shit right here.
    Want to work on the sequel?


    1. Ant - Thanks! I'm not sure they could pay me enough. Thanks for reading!